Monday, November 28, 2005
Concern should drive us into action and not into a depression. No man is free who cannot control himself. --Pythagoras
The last few days have been rough for me. My husband says that it's really only been 1 day, but I feel as though so much more time has passed than that. If I were to gauge time by how it feels in my head, I would say that a month has passed within the last 2 days.
I'm exhausted. I'm struggling to keep up and I'm failing miserably. I don't know what exactly turned the tide so swiftly, but I know from experience that depression has a way of doing that to me. Brad said I'm like a balloon. I let myself be filled up with things that put pressure on me (good pressure and bad pressure) and I don't do enough to relieve it. Sometimes the pressure gets to be too much and I pop. Most times the contents of my balloon start leaking rapidly out of the air inlet and I end up going pphbbbbtbbbtbtbtbtbbtbtbbtbtbtbtbbtbbtbtbtbbtb, making weird noises and flying around the room in an uncontrollable pattern until I land in a pathetic, deflated heap somewhere.
More than anything, I'm struggling with anger and jealousy. I'm angry that I have CF and can't do anything about it. Most of the time having CF doesn't bother me. However, there are times (like right now) where I'm so frustrated and infuriated by it. I'm angry that Brad and I battle against things that other 20-somethings don't have to.
What's both frustrating and comforting at the same time is knowing that I am not in full control. God has planned out the course of my life, and I know that even the crappiest stuff we go through is part of his will. I know that God is in charge of everything and that His plan for my life is perfect, but I'm so impatient. I want to fast forward to see how this all turns out. I want to know that the yuck stuff wasn't a fluke.
God doesn't work like that though. He never promised us that life would be easy. He does promise to be my source of comfort and strength. He has provided me with an amazing husband who does more than just shoulder the burden with me. God gives me little blessings every day, and I'm very grateful for them. Just because I find myself in depressive moods at times doesn't mean that I don't see the good things. It just means that I'm human. I'm normal. I've struggled with some very difficult things in the last couple of years, and it is going to take some time to heal from that.
In the meantime, I'm praying for peace. I don't want to be ruled by my emotions. I want to hold every thought captive to Jesus. I'm incapable of handling this alone. I need my Savior to step in and take the brunt of this pain for me.
i remember just before the beginning of this university year when the doctor said to me "well we normall expect people to deteriate at 1% a year, your going at 6%" my gasp was audible.
and it knocked my confidence no end - whats the point in having letters after your name if its just extra work for the engraver on the tombstone.
but they pass, and you realise the truth - if you let CF rule your life then you might as well be dead already. you have to do what you want to do no matter how difficult it is.
Today I sorted the laundry (kinda) and prepared a tasty dinner plus dessert. I also straightened up a bit around the apartment. Small things like that make me feel like I am at least accomplishing something, and it's nice to sit back and admire even the slightest bit of progress.
Thanks for commenting. I appreicate the feedback and encouragement. I hope that you are having a good day and that I can be an encouragement to you someday when you need it.
hang in there!