Breathing Deeply: My Life With Cystic Fibrosis

Brad and I went to see my therapist today. I felt like I needed him with me not only for support, but so that he could describe the things that are going on with me that I can't see very well. I'm so thankful that he is an attentive husband, and knows how to tell when I'm doing well or when things are heading downhill.

Based on how I've been feeling and how long, we surmised that I am still in a period of rapid cycling. (That's a bipolar thing, not a CF thing.) We looked at all the options, and instead of just hoping that things would get better on their own, we are going to add medication. This is tough for me not because I hate taking pills (I'm just used to it now) but because it means things are out of my hands. Usually I can get a fairly good grip on the bootstraps and tug myself up.

That's just the problem with bipolar--it's out of my control. Much as I want to I can't just pull myself up. So, with some prayer and a prescription, we're going to do the difficult work of getting me stable on ALL levels--physical and emotional. Getting back on track is expected to take more than a month. That's not exactly the type of news I wanted to hear. But, when I look at it rationally, it makes a lot of sense. Why go back to work before I'm fully at my best? If I did it would only be a matter of time before I'm stuck spinning my wheels in the mud. Again. I am disappointed though because this means I'll have to stay on disability for awhile longer. That makes me feel like a sub-class citizen or something.

Today was one of those days that I had to practically force myself to be thankful for things. Today I'm thankful that we don't have kids who would get crushed in the wake of what's going on. I'm thankful that Brad has the week off (talk about a God-thing!) to keep a watchful eye on me as we ramp up my Seroquel dose. I'm thankful that I have a comfortable bed to sleep in, even if my sleeping pattern is irregular. I'm thankful we have the means to make it work financially with all these expensive appointments and medications.

I'm thankful that I have hope in Jesus and the promise of heaven: without which I would surely be undone.

Please keep me in your prayers as I ask God to help me up. I know He will in His time. I know I'm in His grip.