Breathing Deeply: My Life With Cystic Fibrosis

I didn't do much of anything today. I didn't even get out of my pajamas except to put on fresh ones before climbing into bed at night. My big event of the day was putting dinner in the oven, but even that was exceptionally minimal. It feels very strange not to have a "to do" list or even a plan for how to spend my time. Although I'm not expending much physical energy, my mind is spinning wildly with thoughts.

At dinner Brad told me that just because I'm not at work for the next few months, doesn't mean I should go ahead and throw myself into something else. I know...I know...

The thing is, there are tons of things I'd love to be doing with this time away from work...if only I had the energy. The lack of energy is frustrating. My sleep pattern is all goofed up too. Since I'm not doing anything active during the day, by the time we're ready for bed I still have some pent up energy. The part I hate is that it's not really enough energy to do anything with, but it's just enough to keep me awake thinking.

I wish I could just flip the "off" switch for my brain. I'm on medication that's supposed to help with that, but it's really not. I'm almost as keyed up as when my OCD is raging. I don't like that. I don't like feeling as though I'm in my own world that's separate from my husband's. I don't like it that I can't lie still long enough to fall asleep at the same time he does. I don't like it that I don't have enough energy to do anything truly worthwhile.

I'm hoping that soon all of this will level off and I'll have normalized sleep patterns. In the meantime I guess I'll just have to work harder at taking it easy. How's that for not making much sense?