Breathing Deeply: My Life With Cystic Fibrosis

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now…who do you think you are…
bless your soul
You really think you're in control

--Gnarls Barkley (Crazy)

Today I’m both frustrated and relieved at the same time. I’m frustrated because I’m still so exhausted, which means that something must be amiss in my body. I’m frustrated because I know that this is probably going to take another round of intravenous antibiotics, even though it hasn’t been very long since I was out of the hospital.

I’m relieved because I know that for the most part, this is just “part of the deal” of having CF. It’s very unlikely that I’ve picked up something new; this is probably just a rough year for me. I’m relieved that since I placed a call to the doctor’s office yesterday we are already working on a solution for this particular episode—this pulmonary “exasperation” if you will—which includes oral antibiotics at least in the interim.

Still, I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated that I can’t just go ahead and live an uninterrupted life. I don’t like it that I talk on the phone with my doctor and his team more often than I hang out with friends.

Maybe the most frustrating part is that this disease leaves me feeling so out of control. I’m at the mercy of my body’s botched biology. No matter how well I take care of myself or how diligent I am with my meds, my screwy system refuses to meet me halfway and behave itself. I know that there is only so much I can do to keep the CF monster from devouring me.

The rest is up to God, and I’m relieved that it is so. If that were not the case, I’m certain my frustration would overtake me.

// posted by Lauren @ Tuesday, November 21, 2006