Breathing Deeply: My Life With Cystic Fibrosis

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I was on the phone for hours trying to get a new surgery date scheduled and confirmed, as well as deal with several other CF related paperwork that had cropped up. (Believe me, other than the mucus we cough up, CF is not a "green" disease.) It was all quite exhausting. By the time I was finished I was mentally and physically drained and just wanted to take a nap. I fell asleep and woke up with a fever. Great. 100.8

I'm very sensitive to changes in my body's homeostasis. I start feeling lousy and sickly at a mere 99.5 degrees. At 100.8 I was dizzy, crabby, disoriented and plenty else. I also had a horrible sinus headache that was getting worse by the minute. Brad and I decided that going to our church's small group meeting would be too much stimulation, so we opted for a quiet dinner at Marie Callender's instead. We had a nice meal there. I had a nice meal twice.

By the time we got home I was throwing up. For a few hours I got sicker and sicker and finally it felt like the worst was over. I ended up sleeping in until about 4 this afternoon. I'm still not at my best. I'll probably go back to bed again soon. Fortunately today I've managed to keep everything down. I'm drinking lots of gatorade to keep from dehydrating. All in all I feel gross.

Brad's such an incredible man. He's been holding my barf cup for me, making sure I've got on clean pajamas, and has tucked me in and back into bed a number of times throughout the night. Today I told him "thanks for loving 'gross Lauren'" and he replied "I don't love 'gross Lauren,' I just love Lauren and sometimes you have bad days."

I'm hoping and praying that the bad days with CF will be fewer and further between once we take care of my sinuses. I hate the frustration of not knowing how I'm going to be feeling from day to day. That makes it hard for me to "seize the day" when good ones come, because in the back of my mind I feel like if I overdo it on a good day, I'll have to pay for it with 3 or more bad ones. It's exhausting and depressing sometimes and like any normal human being, there are days when it overwhelms me more than I care to admit. I don't like it when my weaknesses take control, and I especially don't like it when other people can see those weaknesses. It makes me glad that I have a God who not only knows and sees my wimpy moments, but he cares about them and can bring me the peace I need in the midst of them.